The Muddy Lotus

I'm so Proud of my Girls!!!

2009-10-07T05:56:00.000-07:00

This weekend, as a family we traveled to my hometown on Chicago.
We went to support my sister, and the company she works for in the annual AIDS walk.
It was a 5K that wrapped around the lake front. My girls at the age of 9 walked the whole thing.
My one daughter didn't want to do it, until her sister told her..."C'mon, think of all the people that
have this disease, the least you can do is walk." I love my little PHILANTHROPISTS.
Talk about out of the mouths of babes.....
How can 9 year olds can get it, but as adults we forget?

Mean People Suck

2009-09-18T16:18:00.000-07:00

What's going on here?
This week the meanness bar has risen to a whole other level.

It started with Joe Wilson calling President Obama a liar...

next we have Kanye West picking on a teenager, while accepting her first MTV award...

It's not just celebrities, its in my own community.

People always needing to be right; only caring for their own needs.

The other day I was driving and there was lots of road construction. While on the road, a woman made a
mistake and blocked the entry way to a business. In doing so, traffic couldn't get
around her vehicle....An easy mistake to make; one I'm quite certain I've made...several times. I could tell
she felt horrible, and was trying to move, but she was stuck...it was rush hour, and traffic was heavy. Well,
this man yells at her, and tells her to move, (Like she hadn't realized she'd made a mistake).
She literally didn't have any place to go. She was stuck, and traffic was backing up and getting worse as a result.
To make a long story short, this guy opens his car door, gets out of his car, and
calls her an asshole. I mean really, this woman looked to be in her 50's. She was probably someones Mom,
or maybe even Grandma. WHAT DISRESPECT!!! I was mortified....What ever happened to being a gentlemen?
What in the world is wrong with people?

Quite frankly I'm sick of it, and people really need to just chill.
Isn't it fundamental? The whole "treat other's like you want to be treated" or
"you get what you give"...Heck this is stuff we learned long before Kindergarten,
yet daily I see adults being so cruel to each other...
What is it? What's going on in our society that people feel they are entitled to pee in someone else's
Wheaties because they've had a bad day, or they are in a hurry, or just because?

The nastiness is just plain out of control. I personally have had enough. So here is my message to you.

If you are going to yell, scream, or use finger gestures at another HUMAN BEING because:

they are driving slower,
they have funny hair,
they are a different color,
they worship a different God,
they choose to love who they love
they are old
they are young
they look different then you
they accidentally cut you off
they don't agree with you politically
they listen to country music

whatever difference you may have with them......

YOU SUCK!

Oh... and just know,there's a place in the after life for people like you....

They take you in a room and you are laughed at...for hours and hours...
you feel extremely self conscious, and you will wonder what's so funny....
finally someone will walk in and give you the punch line to the "joke".

YOU ARE A DUMB ASS THAT WASTED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE ANGRY

and guess what?

YOU SUCK!

Did you hear that????

2009-09-11T13:01:00.000-07:00

It's the sigh of relief millions of moms are breathing right now as
summer vacation is officially over.
This week Lola (my golden retriever) and I walked two 4th graders to school.

I must admit, I was a bit melancholy with my camera in hand, ready to shoot
the annual photograph that marks the first day of a new grade.

I can't help be brought back to the first day of kindergarten when at the bus stop
I cried, and then proceeded to follow the bus all the way to school, wiping more
tears all the way. You know, a mama bear must make sure her cubs are okay.

This year the lump in my throat came, but it felt a little different, of course I don't dare show
emotions with my nine year olds, if I do I face the loud chorus of "MOM", so I hold it inside
and save it for morning cup Starbucks (a tall bold, steamed soy, 2 pumps of vanilla) .

As I sit and sip, I ponder...really, where does the time go? I juxtapose the joy of being childless
for those few hours with the sadness that comes from knowing before I know it, I will be
with out them all the time.

I remember being pregnant, a mother to be and thinking WOW...this is so hard. The reality is
pregnancy and labor have NOTHING on how hard it is to watch your children grow up.

Vacation...so happy to get away!

2009-09-08T16:06:00.001-07:00

So...let's just say life's been a little hectic around here.
Why is it we need a vacation from our vacation?

On August 28th me, my old man, and the kiddos
took a little road trip.

Side note...I call him my old man because we were celebrating his
40th. Can I just say, I love how he turned 40. It's what I love about
my man. He knows what's important in life. He recognizes that age is just
a number, and with that higher number comes wisdom. So I praise him
for his positive attitude about getting older...and I remind him that
I can't wait to be like him when I'm that age....{insert me sticking my tongue out}

In all seriousness, we rented a cottage, and enjoyed a long weekend of complete, family togetherness.

The weather was unseasonably cool, and it actually rained.
We didn't mind...it was actually soothing.
As we hung out watching Freaks and Geeks and playing Pit,
my heart sang....

I LOVE MY FAMILY!

Here's a shot from the Dunes in Saugatuck, MI...

Passion replaces the Procrastination Pattern

2009-08-25T14:44:00.000-07:00

My whole adult life I've always been someone with great ideas....
I can do a lot of things, I'm highly motivated, I work hard, yet I still get stuck.

I'm sick not living the life I want....

With all the work I've done over the last few years, I realize it is completely fear based.
When we live in fear, we have little negative functions that keep us "safe".

For me a big negative function is to procrastinate. A perfect example is this blog. I have a whole notebook
full of ideas for this blog that I've had for a few months, yet my fear keeps me from doing them.

All year I've been trying to lose those extra pounds that I put on while I was medicated. Still they sit there.

Everyday I plan to work on ART but somehow cleaning, taking care of my girls, checking emails, making phone calls, letting out animals, visiting with neighbors, checking more emails, visiting the web, making more phone calls, all seem to take precedence. It's procrastination. I want to do it, but I fear not being good enough. How do I get better if I don't do it? I don't do it because I don't think I'm good enough, and so begins the cycle.

This same cycle exist with taking off those last extra pounds. I want to do it...but it's hard. I try, but then I don't think I'll make my goal, so I get scared, what does my negative function do, it starts me putting off my healthy eating and working out. Boy what a pattern I'm into...

So yada yada yada...I get it. I have this protection of procrastination. I get that its a pattern..... I GET IT!!!

Now I must do things differently.
To get from point A to point B you must have passion, and you must have a plan. Most importantly you must break the patterns that hold you back.

Patterns are like weeds. They are aggressive, they creep in, and are really hard to get rid of. You can tend to them, and get rid of them, but they are always waiting to come back. Old weed patterns must be replaced with healthy seeds and constantly tended to and nourished. (Okay.... I just realized this fits too perfectly with the whole muddy lotus thing I got going on)

No more procrastination. Its been replaced by passion.

So my Muddy Lotuses...what are you holding back on in life? What negative function keeps you "safe"; but not getting what it is you really want out of life. Let's pull them, and lets plant some new seeds. NOW.

THIS IS IT!

I like it....I really really like it.

2009-08-17T08:47:00.000-07:00

So I've been working at collage. Finding myself disappointed because it is a lot
harder than I thought it would be. A technique that seems so random, really takes skill and patience.

Well, I decided to try again. This time I wanted to put what was in my brain, onto the wood.

Here is the result.

I'm really happy with it. I feel like I'm getting closer to a style
I'm also trying to not judge it. I have so much to learn. I must enjoy this process. Sure, it's not perfect, but that's the beauty of this piece.

I LOVE IT.

A little Lie to myself

2009-08-12T14:20:00.000-07:00

So, how do you feel when you find out that
someone has being lying to you? Angry? Hurt? Deceived?

Is it worse when the lie has been going on for a long time?

Or does it hurt the same as if it was an incident that happened recently?

Well last week, I came to a realization...I've been lying to myself. It stinks because chewing myself out
is not like chewing out one of my daughters when she doesn't own up to her deception.

No... when you lie to yourself, it's a cold, harsh reality that simmers in your mind.
You think of all the things that have lead to the place where you
are at now.
You get met with a lot of coulda, shoulda, woulda's.
No... self deception is the worst kind of deception. Even though I believe in To thine own self be true...
The reality is...I WASN'T.

There is a human quality that wants to believe that everything is okay. That quality that unconvincingly, in a voice a few octaves higher than your normal voice states..."I'm fine...no really.... everything is good, I'm fine.. what?... really I'm fine, everything great...

But in the back of your mind, you speak to yourself...truthfully....honestly...

The deception doesn't feel so good, so you make excuses and you feel even worse, but you keep telling yourself...."I'm fine...no really...everything is

O...K...

And when you have had enough, when you get to 10 you make the change.

One might wonder what made this time different, why did I decide to end the deception, what made me
come clean? I owe it all to this journey this process. It's called AUTHENTICITY

I don't achieve my goals because of me....TODAY, that all changes.

Farmer's Market Love

2009-08-10T18:22:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited!

It's that time of year where the local farmer's market sets up shop at the strip mall close to my home.
I must admit, it's kinda funny a Farmer's market in the same locale as the Burger King, Sears Essentials and Old Navy, but as I go in for my fresh, local grown produce, I simply ignore that fact. I love the farmer's market....I love everything about it. I love that I'm supporting my local economy. I love that all the stuff is locally grown, and in season. But most of all I LOVE LOVE LOVE how fresh everything is. You know, it hasn't spent the last month on a boat from Brazil or Costa Rica "ripening" Nonetheless while I was rummaging through the fresh corn, the fresh peaches, and on to the tomatoes, look what I found... A heart shaped tomato. Yep...I have mad love for the farmer's market

Hmmmm....this is a little harder than I thought it was going to be

2009-08-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

So, I've started.
I have mad respect for artists at this point.

Now, don't get me wrong...I have always had mad respect for artists. The time, the practice, the years of dedication that it takes to hone your craft. But man, this was hard. I'm kinda frustrated...The one on the left is my 1st attempt. The one on the right my 2nd. I do see improvement with my 2nd one. I need to be patient. I need to let my layers dry. Like life, it can't be rushed. Oh the things I will learn about myself on this journey....

I must learn to enjoy the process, and I may actually learn something

No...not a Whisper, but an out and out ROAR!

2009-07-25T08:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time coming...
many a starts from confidence...
then many a stops because of self doubt...
but today there is a realization, this is it.
i can no longer let my fear be the reason why i don't.
a whisper that says i can has turned into a roar that
says...
I MUST.

authenticity is hard to escape, it's effortless, there is no torment...
it's what you want for your life, it's what you KNOW you should do.
it's not always the easy path, and at times i feel blinded, but somehow...

I FIND MY WAY

the whisper that says i can, has turned into the roar that I MUST.